I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
