Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
