I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
