someone threw a dead crab at me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
