I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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