Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
