He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm at about main and main street
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
