He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
