what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
