You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
