My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
