Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
