Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
