please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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