Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
