I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
