You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
