saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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