The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
