Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
