Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
