6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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