Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
they're like a gay fantastic four
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
