We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
