the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Everything about him screamed your future.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
