My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
