Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
