Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
