Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
