I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
