Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
