I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
