He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
