I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
