I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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