im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
