Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
