Your mouth is God's brothel.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
