On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
