I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
