i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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