I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
