I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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