There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He felt like a one man threesome
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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