Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
