New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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