His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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