okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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