What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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