$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
